“A Piece of Ice to Protect the World”: Trump’s Bold New Plan to Save Humanity by Buying Greenland (Again)

Davos, Switzerland – In a move that has left international relations experts clutching their fondue forks in disbelief, U.S. President Donald J. Trump announced today that he will graciously spare the world from armed conquest by not using “excessive force and violence” to acquire Greenland. The declaration, delivered with the gravitas of a man reluctantly canceling a hostile takeover of his neighbor’s backyard igloo, was hailed by the president himself as “probably the biggest statement I’ve made” – surpassing even his previous vows to make America great again, build walls, and negotiate the best deals ever.

Speaking at the World Economic Forum in Davos – that annual gathering where billionaires lecture the planet on inequality while wearing $10,000 ski jackets – Trump reassured a room full of uneasy Europeans that the United States would not be unstoppable invaders. “We’re probably not going to get anything unless I decide to use excessive force and violence – then, frankly, we would be unstoppable,” he explained patiently, as if addressing toddlers who had misunderstood his earlier saber-rattling. “But I’m not going to do that. I don’t have to. I don’t want to. I will not.”

Phew. Crisis averted. The Atlantic can sleep soundly tonight.

The president then pivoted to his core pitch: Greenland, that “piece of ice – cold and poorly located,” is actually the secret key to global security. “We want a piece of ice to protect the world,” Trump intoned solemnly. “You can say yes – then we would be very grateful. You can say no – and we will remember that.” He did not elaborate on what exactly “remembering” entails, but sources close to the administration whispered it might involve strongly worded tweets, extra tariffs, or an invitation to Mar-a-Lago that mysteriously gets lost in the mail.

Trump’s national security rationale remains as airtight as ever: America needs to own Greenland outright to defend it properly. “You need to own something to defend it,” he argued with the unassailable logic of a landlord refusing to fix the roof on a rental property. “You can’t defend it if you’re only leasing it. Who the hell wants to defend a lease? Psychologically, it’s no good.” He dismissed Denmark’s current arrangement – which includes a modest U.S. military presence of about 150 personnel – as inadequate for protecting what he alternately called “a giant piece of ice,” “this giant mass of land,” and, on at least four bewildering occasions, “Iceland.”

(For the geographically challenged: Greenland is not Iceland. Iceland is the one with volcanoes and Björk. Greenland is the really big one covered in, well, a piece of ice.)

In a rare display of fiscal restraint, Trump offered no concrete purchase price for the territory – which, at six times the size of Germany and roughly one-fifth the area of the United States, might fetch more than a used aircraft carrier or two. Instead, he demanded “immediate negotiations” and floated the idea of building “the best ‘Golden Dome’ ever” on the land, presumably a shimmering protective shield against climate change, Russian submarines, Chinese mining interests, polar bears with bad attitudes, or whatever existential threat is trending next.

European leaders, still processing the president’s magnanimous decision not to launch a military operation against a NATO ally over what he described as “a small ask,” responded with cautious optimism. Danish officials were reportedly seen frantically googling “how to politely tell someone no without getting tariffed.” Meanwhile, Greenland’s local population – all 56,000 of them – continued their day-to-day lives, blissfully unaware that their home had been downgraded in presidential rhetoric from strategic Arctic asset to “cold and poorly located” real estate bargain.

As Trump wrapped up his remarks, he left the door wide open for diplomacy: “All the United States is asking for is a place called Greenland.” He paused, then added with characteristic humility, “And that’s why I’m the one who can make this happen – because nobody else could even dream of asking for a piece of ice this big and beautiful.”

The world, now protected by America’s restraint, breathes a collective sigh of relief. At least until the next tweet. Or tariff. Or inevitable follow-up: “Greenland deal of the century – coming soon!”

Stay tuned. The piece of ice that could save us all is still very much on the table.